Death Can Make You Sleepwalk

Since the deaths of two in-laws (Brother and Sister) this past summer, it feels as if I have been sleep-walking. Apparently mourning takes on a new twist after tears have abated. I find the approaching holidays somewhat dimmed and it is simply because these two wonderful relatives are not to be present. To say they will be sorely missed is an understatement.

For those of you who have lost someone dear … it’s perfectly sensible to miss them at the most inopportune moments. Realize that mourning is intimate, personal and different each time. Remember these cherished loved ones and know that they are just where we may not see or touch them right now. Our memories of them will help keep us company until we meet again.

Intervals Are Important

Intervals are important.

Being a writer is not a path. Writing is a career that chooses its minions and does it deftly, with aplomb. Typewriter keys being pounded upon, the scratching of quill against parchment, whilst scribbling within the confines of lamps or by candlelight. That yearning which comes to tempt the tamped-down and silent feral longings within, are clear signs you have been chosen … compelled to purge your innermost thoughts, the inklings of a story or the musings of your mind. Once you have acknowledged feverish angst and equally, the delight felt through your explanation of words, compounded to form the muddled mass into a clear picture, then you will feel the freedom of expelling this force which comes through you. A writer is an instrument … a channeling of the universal mind.

This is why time-outs are necessary and time spent behind the veil of solitude is like a soothing balm to quench the thirst. Writing can ravage the heart of a person to the point that the unplugging from the world is the only way restoration can be achieved. Solitude rushes in and the healing begins.

Intervals are important.

Discerning My Social Proclivities

"These tracks still work. They have a beautiful story to tell. photographer unknown"

Part One:

When people want to know about me, who I am, about my job experiences and what type of person I am, I always get that feeling of being placed beneath the powerful lens of a microscope. I mentally pull the covers over my head. Just who is this woman? She claims (if her bio is to be believed) to possess many talents and knowledge on a variety of subjects. She judiciously and regularly offers sage advice; she has an opinion on just about everything. Well why haven’t we heard of her? Better yet, why should we listen to anything she has to say? The answer is easy … I am a deep thinker. Mind you I refuse to be technical, I leave that to the extreme factual sorts. I am creative in my way of seeing the world. One eye on many ugly, distasteful realities heaped upon us by those wishing to control the world, and the other un-jaundiced eye on the rhythm, beauty and balance which can be experienced with each breath I take. We are all miracles, but too many times no one accepts this simple truth.

Sometimes I Do And Sometimes I Do Not

Part One: Discerning My Social Proclivities

Part Two: (continued)

Sometimes I do and sometimes I do not want you inside my head. So I write frivolous things, or discuss the weather or placate you with stories of my childhood. For the most part I have to confess that I hold everyone away with ten-foot poles and castle walls. I only allow a very few people to get close to me, and then I am much like a timid deer who tries to cross the roadway just as the headlights of an auto draw near. I want to be there before you … but I hold back. I draw into myself and shed light on the normal and the everyday. Were we to sit down and share a meal, a bottle of wine and a heart-to-heart, then most of you would be shocked to find how non-frivolous I AM. You would see a woman who is salt-of-the-earth, a rock, yet a wisp of wind. We would discuss topics of conversation and shake out the hidden agendas of the world. You would be presented a contradiction sitting before you equally of night and day, a genteel deep-thinker poised against the writer, painter, cook, baker, artist, sensitive poet and dreamer. The practical accountant and the vocalist, who could have you feel shivers run down your spine. I was not made for you or for me. I AM but a fastidious expression of my Creator. I AM here to do a job and the main point I need keep aware of is the fact I AM to maintain the light. Maintain the light … until I AM here no more. Until then, I will show you bits and glimpses of the complexities of my nature and allow you a tiny peek into the deep secrets of my heart. Sometimes I do and sometimes I do not want you inside my head.

Part Three: Reasonings Within

What! It’s Not Sunday?

It’s not Sunday … I’m a day late. I woke up with the stirrings of a poem, but now the whispering echoes of those clever heartfelt thoughts are evaporating. They are lingering at the outer edges of my mind, teasing me with their laughter and dancing off into the distance. It was something about my roots of knowing, and the deeply planted seeds of somewhere else. Yes, by Jove, that’s it! I made myself remember the opening line. What this line has to do with me, is that all throughout my life, I have seen in my mind’s eye, little clips of a

Headline News

Ten years ago, I would have been ecstatic about the news all over the television news stations and The Washington Post. When I opened my newspaper this morning, I hurriedly flipped it over. I didn’t want to see the photographs of the person on the front page. Ever since last night, when President Obama gave his news press (although the media had already spilled the beans, so to speak) I did not feel happy and elated. Just the opposite, I felt sad. Many people might question the reason for my saying this, and I shall explain it as best as I am able.

Lately, I have been forcing myself to confront and watch the PBS Specials about WWII, Hitler, the Nazi Party, and the horrors, which were carried out in the name of The Reich. I listened to incredibly heart-rending stories from survivors and of unspeakable atrocities of the past. I kept asking my husband why they kept showing these films, and making movies about this terrible and dark period of our history. He told me that if you do not remember history, then it has a way of repeating itself. There are those who do not believe this ever happened and I must consider them to be half-wits, or that they were brainwashed into believing a lie.

When those planes were smashed into the Twin Towers, and I saw (along with the rest of the world) those poor souls dying before our eyes, I felt rage and

Endless Argument

Why does it always come down to money? Even my parents never struggled this much! They had four children and my Grandmother, which is seven. Things continually go up, but at this rate the whole world will end up bankrupt! If they’re not taxing us like crazy, they’re taking away perks and subsidies. Jobs are scarce and people are finding their once lucrative stash of cash is just about gone. The failing housing industry did that to us, along with millions of other Americans. We had our houses as our safe haven of cash. We were lured into believing our homes were savings accounts … or nearly as good as. Gasoline prices keep going up, up, up. The price of food is ridiculous. I cannot fathom the idea that chicken wings, once neglected (good for me as they were my favorite pieces of chicken) and shunned pieces are now over $6.00 for a package of 6-8 wings! A pound of butter is $4.00 and the  cheaper foods they keep pushing are pastas which are usually on sale … but they will make you fat, if eaten disproportionately. It’s enough to make me want to holler. Marvin Gaye sang that in one of his hit songs. It’s was true then, but it is scary now.

The Sunday Paper

Over the past decade our Sunday newspapers have been reduced in size and the once fat parts, like that of the Jobs Section is as thin as can be. Most of the pages are filled with strategically placed employers ads or head hunter’s ads. The real jobs are already taken and many thousands of jobs have been wiped out, or downsized, until it makes one wonder if there are any job openings out there.

Since the housing demise the Real Estate Section is most likely opened by investors, very wealthy people, or by those who want to daydream for a little while.

The funnies or Comic Section was always a favorite with me. From the time I was a kid, and Dick Tracy talked to people on the moon, with his camera phone on his wrist watch. They are even running Charles Shultz’s, Peanuts, from the beginning. This commenced sometime last year. It’s nice to know that Snoopy, Lucy, Charlie Brown and Linus still have a place in today’s society.

Kitchen Phobia … Really?

Fortunately for me and my family, cooking and practically living within the confines of my kitchen comes naturally. I feel at home there. It is almost like an embrace from my Grandmother and my Father, both long gone. I feel most comfortable there and work on remote control in doing the relatively routine tasks. My late Mother had been adopted and pampered by Mama. She was never allowed to do anything in the kitchen, just keep her Mother company and reap all of the rewards. Thank goodness my Father knew his way around all of the food groups, and his pots and pans. Plus he had a great palate and that magic touch for making everything taste wonderful.

My husband thinks that cooking is a waste of time. He’d rather slap some canned tuna between two slices of bread, grab some chips and then scram. It is left to me to do everything else. He does help with dishes, but that’s about it, in the kitchen. He helps do other tasks about the home, so I am not complaining, just making observations.

There are times I really need him to step up to the plate and help me, and I have to tell you just as with my Mother, a curtain of helplessness would drop over their faces. All of a sudden these intelligent and smart people would crumble. They seemed to grow two left feet and all at once were clumsy. Entering the kitchen would prove to be very hard and while I would lose patience with them, in the back of my mind I wondered if they might suffer from Kitchen Phobia. Is there such a thing?

There are things I avoid, things which I used to do without thought. Now I do my darnedest to stay as far away from them as possible. There are many people who have phobias and wishing it wasn’t so doesn’t help. So now … today, it has dawned on me that perhaps there are people in the world who don’t cook because they actually suffer from Kitchen Phobia. Perhaps my Mother’s not doing very much in this most hallowed of rooms, and my husband saying it is a waste of time, but devouring my cooking, is an avoidance mechanism for them. Could be they were not making excuses to get out of doing work, but rather really felt that shut-down feeling.

I know this feeling. Start talking about how something complex works … like communication equipment, computers, televisions and I shut-down. A veil covers my mind and I close explanations out. My mind tells me I have no need to understand the inner workings of a thing, I simply need to know how to operate it. I wonder if more people out there have these reactions, too. Let me know because I want to understand and I won’t shut you out.

Approaching 2011

I have decided to release myself into this impending year without protest and without preconceived ideas of what the future holds. I have come to understand that when I try to direct my course, or force it, it can become elusive. Now I am not touting the fact that I or anyone should not have goals. This is not the point. The thing is … I’m going to try something new and  freeing. I fully intend to approach 2011 with the abandon to my own innermost spirit. I shall close my eyes and embrace the beat of the second-hand, the thrill of the wind and the cleansing of the rains. I will allow myself the private dance inside my head and come what may, I plan on enjoying whatever direction it my lead.

Through the years I have found much resolve in biding my time … waiting for something and in anticipation of things that sometimes do not ever arrive. I chastise myself and while learning valuable lessons, I find I have a tendency to respond with repeat performances. By changing my thinking and instead of biting my tongue, I want to liberate my thoughts and permit them to unfold in whichever creative way they want. Without censure. That sounds delicious and exciting, for my thoughts are vastly wild at times and I might surprise you with the levity of no-holds-bared and edgy parameters, too.

Besides the fact that I adore all of the things I have shared with you thus far, I have limited myself in the most profound ways. Censure is the reigning in of those things we might not want others to know we consider. Things not spoken. Were I to have a five minute spot on a weekly show such as 60 Minutes, I would get riled up and lofty as Andy Rooney does during his spotlight. He highlights whatever is in his mind and I have decided to do likewise. What a fine example he is to us. The price of freedom shouldn’t be in the way I monitor my thinking and as 2011 unfolds I shall close my eyes and dance to my own music.

Happy New Year to one and all and may you embrace change.

Sending Good Thoughts

If you have ever contemplated what the characteristics of a thought would look like, I wonder if you ever imagined they could appear as lovely as this flower. I remember thinking that when someone was angry their dark thoughts would resemble storm clouds. I have also thought about the way cartoonists balloon the conversations of their drawings. Then, too, is the bubble with the lightbulb indicating a good idea.

Throughout this December as the impending holidays grow closer, I wonder what thoughts are being sent out around the globe. Since there are different reasons to celebrate in late November and throughout December, into January, I suppose were one to sit atop the moon and view our little blue planet, they might be able to see an array of colors rising to the top of our atmosphere. They could surface like round rainbows of color popping, up, up, up, until they reached outer space to slowly  dissolve.

Today I feel as though my thoughts reflect this lovely bloom of blues and since I live spherically, the roundness and soft shards of direction please me, too. What colors are you sending out today? I want to know what blooms of thought are surfacing from within you.

Peace and Love (in my world I can have these things).

Stop! Are you … ?

So I asked myself this morning whilst I was drinking my cup of coffee, if I was pleased with how my life has turned out. I pondered this for a few sips and then went searching for a photograph to express how very ‘not finished’ I AM. While my journey has proven interesting there is an empty place inside that needs to be filled up, before I consider myself through with this lifetime.

My question for you this morning is this … “Are you finished, or in the midst of, or just beginning your vision quest? Are you in the place you thought you’d be? Are you ready to charge forward or are you going to stay suspended above the crowd to watch life pass you by?” It takes courage to gear up and do it again and again and again. For what is our life but a series of expressions interwoven within the framework of our daily responsibilities? When is it our chance to bloom and show the inner beauty within? “Are you pleased or saddened with yourself and what do you intend to do about it?”

As I stared into the center of this photograph, I was immediately pulled outward toward that gorgeous pink. I felt lighter inside and hope sprung forth. The surge of energy I felt was an awareness of possibilities and excitement. I AM excited to be alive and go on to the next level of creative thinking and pursuits. I feel great and I am so totally ‘not done yet’!

Thankful For So Much

November is a great time to reflect about the direction my life is taking, what I have achieved through the year and those instances where I could use improvement. Keeping myself in check is a most helpful way to live. It encourages me to go for my dreams and yet it also helps to make certain I am conducting myself in a favorable way. Whether it be in my busy social life, at home in my personal life or mixing with others in my work life, it is extremely important that I treat others with respect, kindness, tolerance and understanding. Mental checks reminds me to listen to someone’s point of view, and sometimes to withhold my comments, in case I could make someone feel uncomfortable. I do not want to judge people. I would much rather live my life encouraging others and seeing the brighter side of things. There is so much turmoil in the world that it is difficult to remember, that even though it’s a jungle out there, inside where my spirit is hidden this place needs to be serene, creative, peaceful and beautiful. When things go wrong or I feel let down and might want to toss in the proverbial towel, I thank my heavenly Father that He has bestowed upon me the grace to stand up time-after-time, no matter how many knocks life offers me. My spirit within is what I am most thankful for.

What Is Your Thought Process?

 

Do you like playing with Glass Marbles?, originally uploaded by Batikart.

Batikart has taken a most amazing photograph!

It gave me pause to think about our minds and the way the little thought bubbles form, take shape and then are released out into the world. Our thoughts have the magical ability to create what we don’t want to happen, but more importantly, they can bring about the goodness and the positive change we seek.

Today I ask you … are you sending out negative thought bubbles … or are you sending out positive and creative thought bubbles? You decide. You are the one in control of your destiny. What will be the course of your day?

Blue Moons and Crabs

Isn’t she lovely? This female blue crab was posing in 2007, on the sandy shores of the Gulf Coast. She has her protective shell surrounding her inner-self. When she wants something she does not go forward in a straight line, but she moves delicately and rhythmically from left to right, until she reaches her quarry.

I feel like this sometimes and for the past two weeks, I have been hiding away in my protective shell. I’ve been in a state of denial, allowing mindful thought to push away the world. I took up my sketching pencils, pastels, watercolors and soon now, I will remove the tops from my oil paints.

What do you do when you take a few days or weeks to be alone, in your own induced solitaire? I find that I re-group, sink low, rebound and refresh myself. Writing and creating is something that comes from within and it can be pushed and pressed into an article or story, but it shows. Taking a breath and finding renewed purpose is sage advice, even if I am the one telling myself to do this. I must listen so I will recover and increase in value. We are all of us valuable and it is necessary to understand these qualities must be nurtured.

Fridays For Freedom

I’d like to think that the contemplative look on her face was due to a reflective moment she might have shared with another. We are surrounded by beauty, bombarded with it. No matter how many times every day I get to witness it, I am always humbled by the fact that, while our world may turn topsy-turvy now and again, we are incredibly enriched by our immediate surroundings.

With the exception of today’s, last hurrah, 96º weather, the coverings have been removed from the skylights and at night, around 3 AM, the moon and stars or clouds drift by, while I am enclosed inside the condo, perched atop a whirling world spacecraft. A living, recycling planet that is taking us on her long voyage.

Stop and smell the roses that still bloom. Watch the colors burst forth from within the surrounding trees. See the squirrels gather nuts from the ground. Listen to the sound of birds overhead as they begin their flight south. The sounds of Autumn, and the fact we are alive to witness them gives us a freedom to be. Fridays for freedom to share our own beauty with The Universe.

Opinions Are Important

First you have to think something over, mull it over in your mind and look at it from all sides. Consider the pros and cons and if it is important or not. Opinions matter because too many of us do not examine a thing or a subject enough, and jump headlong into a situation and realize oops … should have done it differently. Sometimes when this occurs we express expletives and later have to pay the price.  Opinions matter and in order to have a thoughtful opinion on a matter one should really think things through.

New Year’s Eve Blue Moon

As a special treat for those with clear skies, together Mother Earth and The Man in the Moon have decided to present us Earthlings with a Blue Moon. No … the moon does not exhibit any type of bluish hue either. It means that during this month of December, we will get two full moons. What a cool way to bring in the new year 2010.

Do you all recall how much hoopla was made over year Y2000? There was so much frenzy about how all of the world’s computers were going to crash and we might never recover all of the data we had stupidly ignored leaving a paper trail about. It was neat that we saw another century end and the beginning of another. Pretty much though is was an anti-climax. Systems did not crash and data was saved and the next day was cold and a regular January 1st.

Tomorrow evening, I hope will be a good celebration for those choosing to party, but for those of us who are relaxing, after the last six weeks of presents, cooking, baking, gatherings and traveling, I find staying home is just what the doctor ordered. Rest, relaxation, being cozy and toasting the incoming year will be a sweet way to … well … be. No stress.

Happy New Year to everyone listening and everyday I think we should eash of us do something nice for someone who not only needs a little hand up, but to those who do not realize they either need or deserve a bit of special treatment. Pass along goodness and goodness cannot help but be returned to you. And, who knows, you might just deserve it too.

We’ll see … tonight.

Day Dreaming – A State of Mind

 

lion yawning, originally uploaded by chromatophobe.

This shot says it all. I am still trying to wake up even though it is 5:30 PM. Some days are sleepier than others. Today has been for me a dream state. One between dreamlike haze and a slow awakening. I have experienced this throughout my life and there is simply no fighting it. Were I to look I might find the moon is presently traveling through the sign of Pisces. This behavior is a normal occurrence during this two and a-half day span.

I have noticed that during this timeframe my minds compartments are more noticeably in the front right side of my head, where I am feverishly storing ideas, thoughts and stories inside these storage facilities. It is another explanation for writers block cure. A rejuvenation of sorts, this compiling of data. Filling up the little grey areas in order to pull posts out of my brain in a flash. Thinking on ones feet or thinking on ones seat. Talking or writing. Same concept.

Talking about this helps me wake up a little more. Get myself out of the grey fog and prepare myself to do a horrendous amount of writing.

Painting On My Mind

She’s wearing a contemplative expression that reminds me of how I feel inside whenever I am making decisions about how I am going to place paint on a canvass.  The other evening I pulled out my watercolors and lightweight paper to just mess about.  In a matter of minutes I had laid down the backdrop of my next work.  Too bad I didn’t start it with oil on canvass.  Sometimes paint has a mind of its own and you have to go wherever it beckons.  I should have it completed in a few days and I will snap a photo to share.