Today I did not climb out of bed until just after 1 PM. Since Christmas day, Joe and I have been at the mercy of the germs given to us by family members on both sides, neighbors and the people who ventured out to shop at the last moment. Although we could hear their sneezes, rumbling coughs and sniffs holding back the less delicate evidence of their sickness, while in-taking breathable air, we shuddered, crossed our fingers and hoped we would not succumb. Being coughed on, sneezed at and wiping drippy toddler’s noses didn’t help either … but they’re so darned cute at this age. We surely enjoyed being together with our loved ones!
After brunch, coffee and hot apple cider, I waved a brief goodbye to Joe as he got into the car and headed to his office. I dragged myself to the shower and felt revived for about ten minutes. Yesterday I ventured a peek into my Gmail and two hours later, I had finished sorting, answering and deleting everything else. I felt a bit finished by then and whilst I shut down my computer, it felt as if I was hiding away since I have not written much on my site for about three months now. It isn’t because I have been tremendously busy. I have always been busy. It might be that after the highlights of the political fiascos, ads, election woes and the hurricane that destroyed so much, I felt sad. The push of the holidays and the work I was doing was actually clashing with the private me. That part of me that cooks, bakes, creates and is socially flirty. Then the rest of the world went topsy-turvy and caved in a bit when that madman went ballistic on those innocent victims at the elementary school. This horrific news and the weighty issues of the world were almost too much to bear, but I thought to myself, “It wasn’t your child or someone you personally knew … but it felt as if they were.” Our country, our world has been changing rapidly, evolving and then on top of these tragedies … there was the end of the world to get through. It’s a wonder I didn’t run howling into the streets and jump into the ocean, a hard thing to do since I am hours away from there and never go into it anymore.
So I held my angst in. I kept these thoughts (most of them anyway) to myself. I contemplated what they meant, where the world was going and what I might do about it or how might I contribute to society. I sought my inner temple and rested in a spiritual limbo, secure in the tomb of self-imposed meditation. I watched (many times) a DVD by Mike Dooley of TUT University. I figured out he had his finger on the pulse of things in a new way that made sense. “Thoughts become things … choose the good ones” … “But How!” I shouted out loud to no one in particular but my felines, who looked up wondering what the heck Mommy was pontificating. My furry audience and I, we share some of the best quiet moments together. EVER! How was I to live my life according to my thoughts with all of the dissonance and violence in the world? My answer came to me quietly. My deep inner voice made it simple: Just keep trying everyday and the change I want will come. The parts I no longer wanted I was to pay no attention to. I was to improve my thinking and to ignore the negative words whenever they come to mind. It is easy to fall into the trappings of discouragement and dull days where we might feel a little trapped by the sameness of things. Enjoy what we have and dwell on whatever I really want, then work towards that. My new assignment.
The reasons I have stayed to myself have not been selfish. These past 90 days have afforded me time to point myself into the creative direction I was put on this earth to do and there is no looking back anymore. The past is the past and those constant memories of people, places and things that got me to where I am today are just that … my darling companions to whom I will always feel gratitude and love, but the future lies before me. I am on my way.